Thursday, February 8

Global Cooling Update

In the death and destruction that's sure to come if we don't do something to curb this man-made global cooling we're experiencing, the world will regret their shift toward hybrid vehicles...

Already, animals across the world are feeling the calamitous effects. Reindeer in Sweden are in danger of starving to death. Apparently, the ice is so much thicker than usual, that the poor reindeer can't get to the lichen they usually eat in the winter. The Swedish governement is giving financial aid to reindeer farmers to feed their herds, but one has to wonder - is it too late?

Closer to home - Northern Michigan is experiencing one of the top 10 coldest starts to Februray in the last 100 years. However, as residents in the U.P. (eh?) strangely thrive on cold, they are stubbornly denying the imminent threat of Global Cooling, encouraging people in warmer climates who don't have to drive through snow to keep buying their hybrids.

In related news, state climatoligists in Oregon and Delaware face firings and criticism over their skepticism that humans are responsible for climate change.

"They should both be fired," environmental analyst Stan Schubach told Conservababes. "While the planet is actually experiencing Global Cooling - something these scientists blatantly ignore- rather than warming, there is no denying that man's actions over a 30 year period can drastically alter the climate conditions of this massive planet we inhabit. Just because the earth's climate has changed in the past without human causes does not mean that the current changes we see today are not undeniably the direct result of the type of vehicles humans drive."

Experts bemoan the Global Cooling skeptics of the world, claiming that they are ignoring today's cooling temperatures just as they ignored the Little Ice Age (of approximately 1700 - 1850) when promoting their theory that the planet is actually warming.

"You have reindeer dying!" says climatologist Jane Smith. "When are people going to wake up and realize that if we don't start pumping more CO2 into the atmosphere, we will soon be wiped out just like the dinosaurs!"

Smith recommends driving more SUVs and breathing more to increase CO2 in our atmosphere.

In other news, scientists at the Lemming Institute are considering using explosive devices to trigger volcanic erruptions in an effort to counter the effects of the so-called Global Warming theory, to which Smith responded "Now perhaps you understand just how unbalanced and delusional the Global Cooling skeptics can be."

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