Thursday, January 18

Cooling Trend Threatens South; Imminent Doom is Next

The world will end. People will die and have died as the frightening prospect of global cooling can be seen across the nation. Snow storms in Texas and Oklahoma, the Alamo closed, highway deaths from icy conditions abound, California fruit growers have lost billions as their crops were ruined by freak ice and frost. Snow and ice in Malibu. That's right; Malibu.

Experts ponder what George Bush and Karl Rove are up to this time...

Asks environmental activist, Pinko Lemming, "Haven't we suffered enough after Katrina? Why did they have to ruin our citris crops, too?"

Weather experts and anaylists have attributed this global cooling trend to the higher number of hybrid cars sold in the state of California, lower home heating demands, and the higher levels of exercise seen in residents of southern states.

"Some people walk or ride their bikes to work," says cultural analyist Megan Dobbs.

"The carbon emissions in these states are lower than their northern counterparts, which has in the last year alone caused the avergage January temperatures to plummet 2 degrees," says scientist Scott Marx from Pepperdine University.

Global cooling skeptics have pointed out that the advocates ignore the Texas phenomenon, considering that state has some of the nations most polluted cities, is responsible for 1/4 of the world's pickup truck sales, in addition to the oil drilling still occuring there. Most experts dismiss these skeptics as being in denial of a very real threat to humanity.

"They're just ignoring the facts. We haven't seen temperatures drop to these consistently low levels in at least 80 years," Marx points out.

The global cooling phenomenon has inspired the Reverend Pat Buchanan to start a countdown to the end of the world, which he believes will occur in 9 years, 12 days, and 5 hours, 15 minutes and 3 seconds. (coincidentally close to Algore's doomsday calendar)

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