Thursday, February 2

The Wisdom of Pinko Lemming

Hello, evil republicans. Allow me to introduce myself --I am Pinko Lemming, the evil Sage's Liberal twin. Oh, you didn't know The Sage had a liberal twin? Yeah, I'll bet there's a lot you don't know about The Sage. She usually keeps me chained up in the back of her SUV, but tonight I've broken free and hacked into her computer. (She says I can sit in the back seat, but I wouldn't dare. The seats are LEATHER!) She treats me terribly; I often feel no better off than a poor freedom fighter detained at Gitmo. Sometimes she subjects me to cruel and unusual torture --like when she blasts that self-declared Bush-loving Uncle Tom, 50 Cent! (I intend on filing a lawsuit for the pain and suffering with the ACLU directly after finishing this blog.)

There was a time when I was proud to be an American --when our troops pulled out of Vietnam to give Pol Pot free reign and nobody criticized us for spitting on returning veterans. Ah, those were the days --hangin' with my girl, Jane Fonda! Then that stupid, bumbling idiot, Reagan came along and lowered my taxes. I quit my job and collected welfare for 12 years in protest. And do you think I benefited from any of Reagan's tax cuts then? No, the wealthiest 1% were benefiting, but when I was on welfare, I didn't get any tax breaks! He also took away all my fun waiting in line for gas and put an end to that grand experiment in the U.S.S.R.

Why did he have to build up American strength and optimism? Everyone knew our evil system of capitalism and existing in a republican democracy wasn't working! After all the bad things Americans did in the past since our founders came over from Europe for the express purpose of killing the Native Americans and stealing their land --didn't we think it would catch up to us in the end? Do we really deserve to be the world's lone super power? Of course we don't!

Things have just gotten worse and worse since then. But at least when Clinton was president we were still ignoring the terro--I mean freedom fighters and our philandering commander in chief was liked by all those cultured Europeans!

Now we have George W. Bush (oh, I cringe even just writing the name!), who we all know is worse than Hitler, Mussolini, Bin Laden, Saddam, Pol Pot and Joseph Stalin combined! But I don't have time to get into Bush's plantations and gulags right now.

What disturbs me is how much this right wing media and our representatives in Congress are giving Bush a free pass on. Of course, they're taking him to task about lying us into the Iraq War and thinking as an elected commander in chief he should get to choose his own supreme court nominees, but there's still so much more that we simply can't let him continue to get away with. I'm confident that once you've read my below list, you'll sign my petition to impeach this two-time illegitimate president!

Pinko Lemming's List of Top Twenty Things we Should be Blaming Bush For:

20. Rising obesity levels among America's children
19. Bird flu
18. Authorizing Karl Rove to use his wind and weather making machine to steer Hurricane Katrina toward New Orleans, as well as the current draught in the southwest
17. Last year's NHL lockout
16. World climate change
15. The Great Depression
14. Hillary Clinton's early years on an Illinois plantation
13. The groundhog seeing his shadow yesterday
12. Nick and Jessica's break-up
11. The traffic jam on The Sage's way to work this morning
10. The Iranian hostage crisis and Jimmy Carter's poor peanut crop of the same year (coincidence? I think not)
9. Shooting J.R.
8. The Colts' disappointing post season
7. Brokeback Mountain's failure to win any SAG awards
6. Cindy Sheehan's romantic troubles with her girlfriend
5. Failing to strengthen relations with our comrades in Venezuela
4. Chris Penn's untimely death (Come on! You know he had Rove off him to get back at Sean!)
3. The Democrats' inability to come up with any new initiative since Hillary's failure to socialize health care
2. Ted Kennedy's most recent hangover
1. Making Al Qaeda mad at us

Click here to sign my petition to impeach this illegitimate president!!

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